My last blog post (on this blog) was over 5 years ago. I love writing stories about my life, I will be honest, it makes me sad when people don’t read them – but the mental calming value of just sitting down and telling what is going on really helps me – so here it goes. If you happened to stumble upon this, are a successful middle age dude that struggles with something they have struggled with their ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE … maybe you can relate?
To be 100% honest, this journey began in maybe 5th grade? I don’t know when I became a chubby kid, but I always was. I hated that had wide feet and my jeans were too tight, but I refused to want bigger clothes. It sucked. Kids were ruthless about weight … fat, lard ass, etc… been called them all. At multiple times in the past 50 years, I managed to achieve what some would call fitness, some would call a healthy weight, some would call in shape. I’ve enjoyed competing in bicycle races, won some races, gone fast, ridden with world champions – it’s been fun, but I’ve always been a fat kid doing a skinny kid sport.
Most recently – staring in 2016, I decided I didn’t want to be fat when I turned 50. I created a cool hashtag (#FiftyNotFat) and got a good head of steam and for all the way down into the 190s for a while. Then I got hyper focussed on training to ride up mountains … that was weird. Well, then …. I bought motorcycles, I began eating carbs again, I began not focussing and here we are…. about the same weight as when I fell apart, cried and hated my body … The number may be a little different, but, the feelings are identical.
You see – the problem is – at least for me – I consider myself a failure as I type this. I have a great job, I make a good salary, I have a loving family, a place to live … but well, I’m fat. I achieved thin/fit and fucked it up. It hurts – but thankfully I have some memories of feeling better. Seeing improvements and living a better life. Nothing I could eat today will make me feel any better than actually seeing the scale go down would make me feel.
I got up this morning and walked my dogs. It felt like hell. I could barely walk up a hill. My legs, my feet, my ankles they all hurt. My clothes were too tight. My head hurt from God knows what… I hope I never feel that shitty again. That is my current goal. Even if tomorrow hurts more – it will (hopefully) feel better – because I did something RIGHT today.
I got some chores sorted, got my bike set up to Zwift, am about to go buy groceries – which will not include chips, or other bullshit – just stuff somebody else planned for me. Then I’m going to make lunches for the next 5-7 days… then I’m going to go to the gym and do stuff I traditionally hate.
Am I starting over? Am I replaying the same old Scott Story? Fuck it – I don’t care. I want to feel better. You’re welcome to cheer me on, support me, walk along side me … or call me fat. I am … it sucks … but I’m alive and I can do something about it, I hope.